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Overdrive 2 /
(continued). There's something about his demeanor that makes you want to gain his respect. If there's one thing I'm really fond of between my parents, it's the fact that my mum is still truly attentive and respectful to my dad, even though she's heard him rant for nearly 30 years. I mean, if your partner has heard you banter for that long-and is still truly respects your thoughts, I think that's pretty good evidence that you have some valuable things to share. so yeah. There's something intimidating about my dad that makes people around him want to [at least pretend] to be engaged in his long windedness. I like that about him. To feed the freudian fire, I wouldn't mind ending up with someone that. : p.
I'm sorry about the various t9 typos in my last entries, btw. I doubt it matters to you, but it drives me insane! The fact that I can't edit makes it worse-blarg!
anyway, right now, I'm at a korean restaurant with my parents and my sister's in-laws. It's a smoldering 41 degrees in sydney today, so they decided to get the cold dish 'neng myun' for everyone. Totally hit the spot, btw. Anyway, I have nothing to contribute to the coversation so my mind is going into overdrive while i observe. Ok, first off, my dad talks. A lot. Whether or not people are interested beats me. The other thing I notice though, is that people really listen to him when he speaks. If they're not interested, people really go out of their way to pretend like they are. At first, i wondered if it's because he's something of an old fart so they are simply showing courtesy. However, I get another impression because I realise he has the same effect on these people as he does on me. There's definitely sth authoritative about my pop...
(continued), you're inevitably going to feel lonely if there's no one to spend time with and take care of you.' Touche, papa.
I guess what I'm ultimately saying is that I'm happy to go with the flow. Of course I'd prefer to fall in love with my soul mate and spend my life with him. But hey. If i'm destined to cougar till the end of my days, then so be it. So here's to not knowing and not minding! :) cheers, people.
btw...for the record, i was in no way referring to my sister when I was talking about desperation. She was lucky enough to find someone she's truly wonderful with and I couldn't be happier for her :). They're a rare model couple! :)
(continued) or deparation to fill the void that loneliness creates. Thing is...after you get married and those particular things have finally dissipated, what are you left with? You're left with another human being that you're bound to and if your personalities might clash, since you didn't ever take the time to assess whether this individual would be good for you. It kills me seeing people marry to satisfy random desperations and I refuse to to conform to that. Even if all my friends are married and I'm well into my thirties- if I haven't found a man that I am fundametally comfortable with, then why should that matter? the last straw was when my mom asked me the same question. I recoiled by saying, 'oh. I'm not getting married momma, you don't have to worry about that'-and was suprised to see her get genuinely disturbed. Great. i'm glad at least one of my parents will understand though, my dad supported me by saying, 'there's nothing wrong with being single. Just keep in mind though-as you age, ...
(continued). So i just discovered that it's not possible for me to edit what I post from my phone. I better watch my tongue now ahem ahem.
back on track! Anyway, it was touching to see my sister and her now- husband tie the knot. They've endured through some insanely difficult times and I can't think of any couple that deserves to be together more than them. Several people came up to me, asking the same awkwardness-inducing question. 'sooo when is it your turn?' eghad. The pressure of this question makes me uncomfortable. 'when' will it be my turn? How the hell am I supposed to know? People ask this question as if there is some sort of time constraint on marriage. Especially if you have the proper influences around you (ie. All your current friends are getting married roundabout the same time), i guess it's easy to feel pressured to get hitched by a 'deadline'. I hate that. I have to say it, but i've seen some unions that were based on desperation. Desperation to satisfy the people around them...
So it seems I am able to blog from my phone. Interesting. Very interesting, even. This will perhaps cause me to mind dump at a new and dangerous frequency. I tend to have some very profound thoughts throughout the day. But like a wacky dream, it's easy to completely forget even the essence of certain things. This will erradicate the issue now, won't it? :) moo haw haw.
So my big sis' wedding was last night. Needless to say, she dumbfounded everyone with her elegance and it was pretty surreal to see the entire wedding come together.
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___________________________________________________________________ leftovers. Friday, November 20, 2009 / 01:37 a.m.
(WARNING: this is going to seem painfully similar to what I waffled on about during October. Anyway, on goes the current theme of my
thoughts! Let em flow).
So as I'm sitting in the midst of a stripped room, it's finally sinking in. I have ONE day left in Brisbane. I hate to be redundant, but this year
has been so eventful that I completely lost all track of time. The gripes of searching for a place to live is still so fresh in my mind. How can
my year already be over?
Somewhere in between homelessness and studying like a secluded hunchback, a condensed version of life occurred.
To be honest, I feel like I accomplished nada this year. Normally, I either have a sense of satisfaction at what I achieved or I at least harbour
a neutral outlook on the year. This is the first time that I actually feel disappointed by the lack of productivity. I mean, have nine whole
months actually passed? For crying out loud, in 9 months a fetus can fully develop into a functional human being. See, now THAT is
productivity. For someone who has 22 years of life 'experience' to her advantage, I've achieved peanuts comparable to that damn
embryo.
Hell, I've already started making big plans for next year (see Nov 7th)--which is probably my subconscious compensating for the epic fail
that was 2009. Ok, so maybe I'm slightly hard on myself. And ok, perhaps that is the understatement of the century. Now, to save myself from
complete pessimism, let me try and sort this out....
why was I so 'unproductive'? I had some solid goals in mind at the beginning of this year. Namely, I wanted to develop a close network of
dependable people instead of the usual carousel of new faces. What actually ended up happening was.....well, the people I was closest to last year
are now absent from my life. Seems a bit counterproductive, doesn't it? My reflex would be to wonder if it was something I did wrong. Now, I
realise that my result wasn't necessarily my 'failure'. Instead, it was due to a series of realisations and unanticipated hurdles:
a) I forgot that people have their own agendas. Not everyone wants the same things as me--namely, not everyone is looking for that 'deeper'
friendship/relationship (I already talked about this in a previous entry).
b) When you observe a personality up close (I mean REALLY close), sometimes you realise that they wouldn't really be valuable as a close
friend anyway. I know that sounds horrid and judgemental--but I found this to be true. Yes, I want to be close to people. But I realise that I
want to be close to people who will encourage me instead of perplexing me by their actions that I fail to understand. Peoples' strange ways
of life will fit like puzzle peices in the context of someone else's, but maybe not mine. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I guess
that's what they mean when they say birds of the same feather will flock toge--ugh, you know know.
So maybe I should cut myself some slack here. I tried my best to progress this year, I really did. I just have to save my effort for worthwhile
'opportunities'. I'm sure things will come along at their own natural pace : ). In the meantime, I have some selfish pursuits to attend to, haha!
Patience and persistence will have to soldier into my life now, I guess. Hmm...persistence I can deal with, but I'm pretty handicapped at being
patient. Ah well, let's give it a go and see if the world is willing to be patient with me too :p.
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___________________________________________________________________ Wednesday, November 11, 2009 / 12:22 p.m.
sometimes boys just don't have a clue, do they?
...ah well. I do not have time to think about this right now. Metabolism of drugs and toxicology await!
Phrm 2010
Wow. How creative can pharmacy possibly get with course names, eh?
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___________________________________________________________________ development. Saturday, November 7, 2009 / 05:09 p.m.
Next Year:
-sell motorcycle in vancouver
-buy motorcycle in brisbane
-expand modelling portfolio
After Graduation:
-art pursuit
I love goals, blaha.
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___________________________________________________________________ Saturday, November 7, 2009 / 02:33 p.m.
miscommunication is a biatch.
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___________________________________________________________________ my perfect match. Thursday, November 5, 2009 / 02:22 p.m.
So I would rather re-write my ENTIRE facebook profile and re-arrange ALL the photos in my facebook albums than study right now (true story, they're looking more marvelous than ever).
Aaaanyhow, I just rediscovered one of those great psychoanalytical personality tests: MyType Personality.
This one is particularly comprehensive and it even describes the personality types which are most compatible with yours. Who knows how accurate this really is, but there were some points that really hit home (which I selectively pasted below, hehe).
I've recently been having some thoughts about what type of person I'd like to "be with", so the blurbs about the type of person I'm suited towards were especially iiiinteresting....
So (apparently), I'm an: ENTJ
"The Executive"
Extroverted iNtuitive Thinking Judging
• They're tireless in their efforts on the job, and driven to visualize where an organization is headed.
• ENTJs love to interact with people. As Extroverts, they're energized and stimulated primarily externally. There's nothing more enjoyable and satisfying to the ENTJ than having a lively, challenging conversation.
• The ENTJ has many gifts which make it possible for them to have a great deal of personal power, if they don't forget to remain balanced in their lives. The are assertive, innovative, long-range thinkers with an excellent ability to translate theories and possibilities into solid plans of action. They are usually tremendously forceful personalities, and have the tools to accomplish whatever goals they set out for.
So according to this, I am some in-yo-face over achiever who can't stand disorganization.
Sounds about right to me. Now onto the interesting bit...
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(apparently), my perfect mate is an: INTP
"The Theorist"
Introverted iNtuitive Thinking Perceiving
• The INTP is usually very independent, unconventional, and original. They are not likely to place much value on traditional goals such as popularity and security. They usually have complex characters, and may tend to be restless and temperamental.
• INTPs live in the world of theoretical possibilities. They see everything in terms of how it could be improved, or what it could be turned into. They live primarily inside their own minds, having the ability to analyze difficult problems, identify patterns, and come up with logical explanations. They seek clarity in everything, and are therefore driven to build knowledge.
• For the INTP, it is extremely important that ideas and facts are expressed correctly and succinctly. They are likely to express themselves in what they believe to be absolute truths. Sometimes, their well thought-out understanding of an idea is not easily understandable by others, but the INTP is not naturally likely to tailor the truth so as to explain it in an understandable way to others.
okay, now these bits killed me:
• The INTP is at his best when he can work on his theories independently. When given an environment which supports his creative genius and possible eccentricity, the INTP can accomplish truly remarkable things. These are the pioneers of new thoughts in our society.
• They usually have complex characters, and may tend to be restless and temperamental. They are strongly ingenious, and have unconventional thought patterns which allows them to analyze ideas in new ways. Consequently, a lot of scientific breakthroughs in the world have been made by the INTP.
So ok. I have to admit, all these things sound insanely attractive to me. Someone who's SO innovative with his thoughts that they're just too complex for the average shmoe to understand?
Yes, please.
But wait a sec...I'm starting to wonder if this means I'm destined for an eccentric genius? If that's the case then I'm DOOMED!!!!
Where on earth would I find such a creature? He sounds rare, like some sort of mythical character out of a fairy tale. I mean, who wouldn't want to be with a "pioneer of new thoughts in our society"?
You have to be beyond lucky to end up with someone like that.
So...although this test was clever and detailed, it just shattered my dreams for finding someone "perfect for me".
Unless I start stalking every living Nobel Prize winner out there, it's hopeless.
Anyone know a brilliant introverted theorist they'd like to send my way?
*crickets chirp*.
several months ago, I received a very random e-mail from author Eugenia Kim. She told me that she found my website after some haphazard googling and that her recently-published novel, "The Calligrapher's Daughter" was about to be released in the States. She was interested to contact me since the protagonist in her book is named Najin. She expressed something that I've always kind of known (after hearing hundreds of people mispronounce my name)--that Najin is not a common name.
Anyway, she is a lovely woman and her book has gotten some great reviews!
I can't wait to read it....although it's going to be weird seeing my name repeated on 200 some-odd pages.
Heck, it already feels weird reading some reviews:
“Kim has excelled at portraying Najin as a spirited yet loyal daughter and wife while exposing a tragic time during Korea’s sustained history as a nation.” —Library Journal
gee, thanks Library Journal.
well, I try.
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___________________________________________________________________ Monday, October 26, 2009 / 06:28 p.m.
I'm sitting in my room with all the lights off because there's a MEAAAAN thunder/lightning show on outside.
It's so therapeutic.
shhhhhh...
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___________________________________________________________________ Saturday, October 24, 2009 / 06:55 p.m.
A girl on the subway.
Captivating doe eyes.
Dishevelled ear-length locks.
The words spilling from her mouth are mindless rhetoric.
She banters on about nonsense.
Gossip. "He said". "She said".
Could there be anything more mind-numbing?
You muse about how someone so beautiful can be so empty.
You watch her soft cheek pressed pressed against her cell phone,
Her supple lips motoring on and on and on...
what a shame.
...she drones.
your mind leaves the zone.
--ears perk.
it couldn't be.
...would it be?
At first, you figure it's coincidence.
A stray "him", a misplaced "trim".
But no--her sentences are definitely molding into--...
rhymes.
...she.......rhymes?
How could you have been so blind?
Suddenly, does it matter what she's saying?
Look at how she's saying it.
Her empty words intertwine into eloquent prose.
Your eyes fixate on her, trying to figure out if you've seen her before.
Her words keep twisting into ingenious song, her voice gaining passion and momentum.
She's not just a mindless beauty;
and wait--yes. You know her.
You definitely know her.
Her extravagant song ends abruptly.
Her stop has arrived.
Before your mind collects itself, he gets up and leaves. What the hell was that?
hb on paper
20 minute speed sketch
Dreams are good at doing that, aren't they? Being logical and profound while you're experiencing them, then making no bloody sense whatsoever when you awaken.
Hmmm.
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___________________________________________________________________ HAHA!!! Thursday, October 22, 2009 / 05:07 p.m.
Bitch, please.
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___________________________________________________________________ Wednesday, October 21, 2009 /
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___________________________________________________________________ let it be. Wednesday, October 21, 2009 / 02:07 p.m.
That's just it, folks.
You JUST can't force anyone to be at the same stage you are. Whether this regards family, friends or lovers; the same applies.
This is so hard to accept is because you often feel like you should be able to expect back. I mean, come on! These aren't your average faceless joes on the street. It's your "best friend", your "boyfriend/girlfriend", your "sister/brother" I'm talking about here. Naturally, you'd think these people would respond to your giving with equal (if not, greater) generosity! Anyway, unfortunately, things just don't work that way.
I'm so relieved to realise this has nothing to do with my own insufficiency. While I've been giving without returns, I've been seriously doubting myself, asking:
"Am I giving too much and overwhelming them?"
"Am I not giving enough? Why don't they acknowledge how much I'm doing for them?"
"I'm trying my best here--Why aren't they?"
The thing is, it's not my fault that someone is not ready to give back. It can be due to a million reasons on their part, but it has nothing to do with me. The more I think about it, the more I realise that I've given my all, tried my absolute best and there's nothing more to be done. When the ball is tossed into someone else's court--that's the very thing--it's in their court. They will do with it as they please.
Life goes on!
I will definitely allow myself to love/be open again. However, in light of all these lessons--I think it's time for me to be more selective with the people I get close to. I know that's contrary to my normal habits (i.e. normally I'm more than happy to get to know everyone--regardless of their beliefs, culture, lifestyle, etc.). But the more I surround myself with people who aren't receptive to me, the more I will corner myself into a position where I give without any reciprocation.
That being said, that doesn't demerit the value of persistence. Obviously in the case of family or a 'best friend', it's worthwhile seeing through the rough times, even if they're treating you like dirt. On the flipside...regarding friends and lovers that come and go--I think I'll start being a LOT more selective.
I am still a huge advocate for giving selflessly.
However, I won't stand around passively while I am taken advantage of.
Time to find and cherish people that I can develop a real relationship with!
btw, thank you so much to everyone who responded to my last (bitchy & whiny) post. I definitely would not have come to such an optimistic conclusion if you didn't contribute to my thoughts!
People like you make me realise that I'm just too blessed to be stressed.
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___________________________________________________________________ "spreading yourself too thin" ( version 2.0 ) Sunday, October 18, 2009 / 04:06 p.m.
At the beginning of this year, I made a pact with myself to improve my relationships with people. I realised that I
know WAY too many people while not REALLY knowing anyone. (I blogged/opened a discussion on this: here). In short, I realised that since I've never developed a
dependable core network of people, my options during rough times were slim pickings.
(That being said, that doesn't mean I'm not thankful for the number of people I've been exposed to. Being able
to meet such a sheer volume of people means I've been exposed to multiple cultures, points of views, ways of
living, etc. There's a lot of value in being able to understand and accept someone else's life.)
I made those realistions back in January and have moved back to Australia since then. I figured it would be the
perfect opportunity to develop such relationships, since I literally knew no one in Brisbane. It was an ideal "blank slate" scenario.
(btw--I quickly found that Australia wasn't going to set the 'perfect stage' for me. More than anything, it was the maintenance part of relationships that I needed to work on--and lord knows I have enough 'fixer upper' relationships back home that I could've worked with).
Anyway--first off, I had no idea these realisations would lead me on such a psycho roller coaster! Essentially, this is the first time in my life that I've allowed myself to get so attached, so involved, and so committed
to people than ever before. Wherever I've seen opportunities, I've been driven to be as thoughtful and dependable as possible.
Ok--now this is where my major shortcoming becomes apparent (and when the roller coaster starts its
downwards plummet). I started "expecting the same" from others (especially from those I was willing to input
effort for). In fact, when I didn't recieve reciprocation from these people, I got extremely offended and
confused, as if some level of trust had been breached. I figured..."I've put in my full fledged effort, why aren't
they returning the favor?" I thought that if you 'provided' for a good friend, naturally you'd be able to expect
the same treatment back.
.......Right?
Wrong.
Oh, so freakin wrong.
Just because you're ready to start laying foundations for lasting friendships doesn't mean that others are
ready for it too. True friendships are lots of work to develop and maintain--it's reasonable that some people
don't see the appeal in it. After all, it's much more convenient to retreat to your fairweather buddies and have
a grand ol' time, right?
Something confuses me, people.
What exactly is a 'good friend', then?
Am I a good friend if I'm giving openly to people while getting offended when I don't recieve the
same back? Obviously not.
That being said...aren't I allowed to expect some sort reciprocative effort from someone who claims to be my
'good friend'?
Bottom line being...I'm willing to give but when is it okay to expect back from people?
Mostly, I feel like I should vocalize myself to someone when I think they're treating me with disrespect. At the
same time, I hate forcing people to do things they're not ready for. So I'm willing to vocalize myself when I think I'm treated 'unfairly'. But when should I just leave people to be
accountable for their own actions (i.e. keep my mouth shut)?
I've done both this year:
a) vocalized myself when I thought I was being treat unfairly, in attempt to develop the friendship. I ended up
losing a friend & gaining an "enemy" for the first time--ouch. and b) kept quiet, even though I felt like I was treated unfairly. I didn't think vocalizing myself would faciliatate any
positive change so I didn't see the point.
The thing is...I'm not sure if I'm satisfied with these decisions. The scenarios could've easy been swapped (i.e. I
could've shut up around "friend a)" and vocalized to "friend b").
To sum up my [unfinished, erratic] thoughts, I guess all this is what happens when you truly allow yourself to open up for the first time. You're prone to vulnerability and hurt.
......I'd like to believe that experiencing (and moving past) the pain is actually just making room for some solid relationships though.
...now can someone just tell me the answer to all these questions?
... ... ... ... ...
no?
...
...
...
...
...
come on, not even a titter?
....meh. *shuffles along*.
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___________________________________________________________________ Sunday, October 18, 2009 / 02:49 p.m.
As tempted as I am, there's no need to say it to your face. It'd only make you feel bad about yourself without inducing any sort of positive change. At this point of your life you're out to have a good time, full stop.
You're a fairweather friend.
while this is seemingly obvious...I've never really noticed this before:
when you're in a real mood, whatever mood that might be; have you noticed that you're especially perceptive to certain songs? Like for example--right now, I am pretty pissed off. In fact, I haven't been this angry in a while and so I'm sure you can imagine the possible ways it's manifested (i.e. I've been a bit antisocial, a bit curt, a bit of a "downer").
Anyway, I just had my iTunes pumping out the usual random shuffle and I suddenly found myself really resonating with select songs (namely the ones with lyrics & tones similar to what I'm feeling). Fiona Apple's "Red Red Red" really struck me:
I don't understand about complimentary colors
And what they say
Side by side they both get bright
Together they both get gray
But he's been pretty much yellow
And I've been kind of blue But all I can see is
Red, red, red, red, red now
What am I gonna do
I don't understand about
Diamonds and why men buy them
What's so impressive about a diamond
Except the mining
But it's dangerous work
Trying to get to you too
And I think if I didn't have to
Kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill myself doing it
Maybe I wouldn't think so much of you
I've been watching all the time
And I still can't find the track
But what I wanna know is it okay
Is it just fine
Or is it my fault
Is it my lack
I don't understand about
The weather outside
Or the harmony in a tune
Or why somebody lies
There's solace a bit for submitting
To the fitfully cryptically true
What's happened has happened
What's coming is already on its way
With a role for me to play
I don't understand
I'll never understand
But I'm trying to understand
There's nothing else I can do
This song hit me so hard that I dropped what I was doing (it wasn't much, albeit--I think I was folding clothes, haha) and just listened. I stared into the air and listened to the grit in her voice, the dischord of the background music and went, ".....holy crap, this is me."
...Now I realize, for this song to hit me so hard--this woman must've been truly angry while she wrote it. She's taken all the elements which compose my anger (i.e. the attempt to rationalize everything reduced to the ultimate confusion of it all) and made a SONG out of it! While part of me wants to scream, "that cruel bitch!", the rest of me appreciates that someone understands (or understood, at least) what I'm going through--enough to produce a full fledged song about it. How cool is that.
Of course, maybe I'm just selectively picking up words and ideas that are angry right now, thinking that they're directed at me when they're really not. But anyway, I think it's that Fiona Apple song is blatantly about anger, so that settles that.
I figure it's like that with any art form (i.e. paintings, films, writing) that had any mood revolving around it. It was created in lieu of a particular mood and so it'll attract people of a similar mindset.
Anyway, bottom line for me being--I have to make sure to listen to more music while I'm in a mood. I'll appreciate a wider variety of songs that way, I think.
Fiona Apple, thank you for being such a cynical cow.
detach yourself from the hurt,
remind yourself that you tried your best,
regain your independence,
Move On.
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___________________________________________________________________ grade A backfire. Wednesday, October 14, 2009 /
I guess that's the risk you take when you take the first initiative.
You take the first step in attempt to 'be the bigger person' and you have potential to be taken advantage of instead.
Ouch.
Now still clinging onto that valuable advice by our good friend Ghandi, it looks like I'm expected to 'change' in a different way.
onto plan B.
wait--what the hell is plan B?
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___________________________________________________________________ Optimism. Wednesday, October 14, 2009 / 12:20 a.m.
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___________________________________________________________________ Monday, October 12, 2009 / 09:09 p.m.
It's time for me to "become the change that I want to see". Thanks Ghandi, you're a pal.
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___________________________________________________________________ Barbara Bonney (Mozart) - Ave Maria Monday, October 12, 2009 / 05:51 p.m.
I just swapped the song on the my parent site to this incredibly serene classic.
This song perfectly sums up what I'm going through right now. Barbara Bonney's voice takes every physical ache my heart is feeling, reverberates it by 1000 fold, then somehow soothes it at the same time.
I guess that's what people call "painfully beautiful".
I hope you enjoy it as much as I have.
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___________________________________________________________________ on passion. Friday, October 2, 2009 / 02:40 p.m.
This year has been CRAY ZAY.
In contrast...if the things I normally do (blog, paint, care about minute, artsy things) had a lifeline, it would've been reduced to a pathetic excuse of a [singular] blip on a pancake flat line.
I've learned a great deal this year, to say the least.
My first week here consisted of these things: house hunting, house hunting and a grubby, homeless Najin. Aside from perpetually sweating (Brisbane's summer was on average ~35 degrees with 80% humidity), most hours of the day were spent scouring the internet for vacant flats and worry warting over what I should eat. What's more, once I had an inkling on what I wanted to eat, I constantly wondered how on earth I was going to transport myself there. My whole day was filled with meticulous plans about things normal, stable individuals have settled.
Now what's the point of crapping on about the state I was in?
There is another (Seemingly unreated) moment during that time that's so vivid in my mind. I was in line waiting to pay for my random fundamentals (toothpaste, breakfast juice, whatever) and there were these two girls in front of me. Both chattering away, I noticed they were both thoughtfully and stylishly dressed. Both were holding baskets full of random crafty paraphernalia (glue, hairbands, and I heard one of them mention that they couldn't wait to see how the costumes were going to turn out. Just like a reflex, I cringed. I thought to myself in disgust, "who on earth cares about things like that? Stupid.".
Ok, WHAT?!
Mind you, these were thoughts coming from a girl who's passions REVOLVE around anything and everything creative. I look back on that time and realise something big.
When your basic, fundamental needs are unsettled, no matter what you do, there's no way to enjoy the 'finer things in life'--even if your personality normally revolves around them.
Nowadays I've slowly been able to justify an appreciation towards art, fashion and other creativity that normally consume my life (and I have to say it's refreshing to be able to enjoy these things again). But there's no way I can overemphasise the value in what I've learned. The sole fact that I'm able to pursue artsy things is a GIFT and a PRIVILEGE. I'd bet anything that my character would be SO different if I had to worry about fundamentals all the time. Art would disgust me. Fashion would be incomprehensible.
I think this year is something of a milestone for my life. It's the first time I've developed skills to fend for myself and for the first time, I'm realising that things like "passions" are (unnecessary, albeit) luxuries.
Conclusion?
Hobo Najin would be one jaded, angry bitch. So glad I'm not.
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___________________________________________________________________ Tuesday, September 29, 2009 / 07:08 p.m.
I'm going to create a series of simple tunics based on water color prints.
It'll be a non-stop painting, printing, posing fest.
Such a fun way to kick off the spring, don't you think?
(not worn together, of course).
helloooo, Aussie Spring 2009.
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___________________________________________________________________ and seemingly overnight... Saturday, September 26, 2009 / 01:27 a.m.
she started caring again.
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___________________________________________________________________ too cool: Friday, September 18, 2009 / 12:16 a.m.
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe. ceehiro.
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___________________________________________________________________ Tuesday, September 15, 2009 / 09:14 a.m.
do not make this harder than it already is, najin. stop crying, go to class. stop crying, go. to. class.
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___________________________________________________________________ Monday, September 14, 2009 / 09:48 p.m.
I want to…need to…must...
reconnect.
"Thou art to me a delicious torment."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
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___________________________________________________________________ myspace Tuesday, August 18, 2009 / 05:28 p.m.
ok. So how does something like this even happen?
Should I even bother?
And now.....for a long awaited reunion with the blog-o-sphere! I've started so many half-entries that
I've lost count. I'm glad to be getting off...errr, I mean "on" my ass again to do this. 'Cause a half-
attempt at a blog entry is as useless as none at all.
Today on my way back from Ekka 2009 (which turned out to be
absolutely fabulous btw--I'll spare you details since this isn't the point), I eavesdropped on one of
the most disturbing conversations I've ever listened up on.
Mind you, it was between a little tween girl to another. Normally I would disregard any chatter coming
from such a demographic since I'm convinced that tweens are the most confused and impressionable beings
on earth. In fact, I find that most dialogue coming from tweens is generally irrelevant--it's just crap
strewn into sentences. Anyway, this particular conversation couldn't be avoided due to its...wait--let
me just recapp it for you.
Let me just quickly set the stage for you here. So there's Tween1 and Tween 2. Let's call them "T1" and
"T2" to save my fingers some tap-time here. They both had the statures of any other tween...lanky,
under-developed, impossibly skinny, etc. These tweens were exceptional though...they were tweens with
style. You have to understand that I'm not talking about scrounging about mum's closet or make-
do-with-what-you're-given style. I'm talking style which took HOURS of idolising popular media. Style
which took non-stop dedicated nagging to get your parents to buy you replicas of what's "cool" style.
That kind of style.
Anyway. So the conversation commences:
T1: So did you see what Becca was wearing at the Ekka today?
T2: I know. I couldn't believe it. Ugly light denim washed jeans with some sort of "rainbow" belt.
And some lumpy yellow top.
T1: Hah. I know. You know...it doesn't feel like I even went to the Ekka this year.
T2: That's because we only went to the fashion show at the Ekka.
T1: I know, right?
.....
omg, so what was Natasha wearing today?
T2: Yeah, I know. What was she thinking? Hideous.
(insert similar horrible fashion-based gossip here) x 15 minutes.
Ok...is it just me, or is there something terrifying about this? Were you striving to collect as much
worldly crap as you could when you were 11 years old? Were you cutting down the other kids around you
because you were pursuing 'cool'ness? These are young girls living to gossip and clothe themselves with things the world accepts as "fashionable".
I'm trying to figure out if I was just the same back then, but just in a different context. Let's
see...what was I doing when I was eleven?
I was drawing pictures, running wild outside, practising violin, riding my bike, playing video games, and gaining my first intense crushes on boys. During
all this...was I cruel to others? Was I so consumed with any one of these activites that it defined all my clothes, my mindframe, my demeanor? More
importantly, did I openly cut down other kids for not having the right "stuff"?... ....
What about clothes? I remember certain pressures, for sure. When bell-bottoms started gaining prevalence
again (in the late ninetees), it wasn't "cool" for girls to have a different cut of jeans. It sounds ridiculous, doesn't it? How can someone so young fiend
after something as idiotic as flared pant legs? HAHAHA. It truly makes me laugh out loud. So yeah, I guess I was consumed with similar things as a kid too.
But what made this conversation so appalling to me then?
I think it's the extent to which these kids were superficial. They were cruelly judging and cutting down other kids because they weren't conforming to their
same silly values. Brutale.
Hearing crap like this makes me want to throw out everything in my closet that might borderline on 'trendy'. If the world of fashion is influencing kids as
young as this to morph into superficial monsters then...I want nothing to do with it.
Fashion's there to make you feel confident in your individuality and creativity, sure. But little tweens don't know what appeals to them anyway. They're
keenly observing confident adults and copying what they see is acceptable or praised by other adults.
Instead of asking, "what's this world coming to?" I feel like I should be asking, "what have we let this world come to?".
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___________________________________________________________________ refresh. Thursday, August 13, 2009 / 05:35 p.m.
